I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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