dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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