I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
