Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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