I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
