If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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