I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
