jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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