i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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