i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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