Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
