sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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