I have demons in me.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize