I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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