Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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