I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
