You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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