I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
