i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
