I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
