You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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