and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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