You made me cry and you don't even care
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
