it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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