Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
