a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
