he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
