giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Farmville is her only friend.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
