I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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