there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
