i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
