wanna go halves on a baby?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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