he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
