the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize