I'm jealous of your bromance
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
