Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Your dad touched me again.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I wear drunk well.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize