I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
