just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize