All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Everything about him screamed your future.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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