it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize