i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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