i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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