Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
