Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
