i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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