he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
