My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I would fuck him just for his dog
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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