1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
