Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize