sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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