Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
