I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
