Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
