We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
