Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
